Hello, Anyone Home?

The canned, recorded, non-descript monotone voice responds after five rings… “Thank you for calling, because of the unusually high amount of calls we are experiencing you will be placed on hold.” Fifteen minutes later… “Thank you for your patience, the next available operator will be with you.” Ten minutes after that… “Your call is very important to us, please stay on hold and we will get to you in the order your call was received.” Five minutes after that I am steaming and smoke is coming out of my ears, I slam down the phone and cringe that again I have been outsmarted by a recording and that I will probably have to go through this whole process again if I am to receive the information I am in search of.

Once I did get through – well, kind of – I was barraged with 22 different selections that had to be made on the phone pad and by the time I realized that I should have chosen the seventh one I forgot totally what I was supposed to key in thus forcing me to try to redial again to no avail. One of my favorites was when I had to call a company and the uninspired recording asked for me to put in the extension number of the person of whom I wanted to speak. To be helpful, an additional message from the voice on the other end indicated that if I pushed the # key I would get the company directory. All I had to do is type in the first three letters from the person’s last name I wished to speak. Well I only had a first name, wasn’t even sure what department I was looking for, and was so confused and bewildered I forgot what I was calling about in the first place and at this point was beginning not to care. Done in once again by a faceless articulation.

Least, but not forgotten is the thrill of being transferred 3 or 4 times and still not being able to get to the person you need. The choice of music must really be questioned and organizations fined if they play anything to which I don’t know the words. I envision a tally board at these organizations and as part of the corporate incentive program a telephone operator must be able to achieve the highest amount of transfer confusion to win the monthly prize.

The latest twist to be consumer friendly on the phone is that some businesses have added voice response. This is where instead of pushing a button you respond by answering, verbally, the question posed to you. This is too much fun! I have tried various accents: French maid, German putzfrau, and English royalty. By adding your own supplementary, gregarious enthusiasm there is no telling where your call may be directed and you can continue in your undercover mode when conversing there as well – one must find entertainment where one can. The only problem is if you don’t reply with the appropriate and correct answer (which, of course, you really don’t know and could never really guess) you get bumped back to the beginning of the message or disconnected totally and must start the whole procedure over.

The more ‘high-tech’ and sophisticated that these messaging devices become the more I yearn to hear a human voice at the other end. A caring, sympathetic little chirp that makes me feel like they are happy I called. These folks, in my dreams, are knowledgeable, can answer questions without hesitation or in-depth consultation with 10 or more of their closest business associates and are pleased to direct me to the appropriate person that I need to talk with. This is a little human touch that I think would go a long way in customer satisfaction. I have heard that, a time not too long ago, there really were live people behind the voices on the phone. Those were easier, simpler, friendlier times… I wonder whom we can call to get that kind of service back?

Cynthia A. McClelland, curious observer of the obvious with interpretations of the oddities of daily life. Mother, wife and lover of the furry, resides in the north Lake Tahoe area.

Cynthia A. McClelland © 2003-