Movie Rating System for Moms

So, what's the deal with movie ratings? After seeing several of the new release movies the last couple of months I must say I am a bit befuddled by it all.

My son wanted to go to a "PG-13" movie, no problem in concept - in reality, I learned more cuss words that I didn't know went together and more sexual innuendos and positions than I could ever dream up. Needless to say, I forget what the movie was supposed to - as in, was there really a plot - be about and I didn't quite get the point of why all those little "extras" were included.

On the other hand, my husband and I went to an "R" movie and were expecting things to be a little juicier and only got one psuedo-bad word and no sex. Don't even get me started as to why Disney gets away with giving their movies a "G" rating when every one I have ever seen with my son has a major battle, a main character's death or questionable ethics. What's a mom to do?

Ah, hah! The moms of the world must ban together to form a system that we understand, we like and we have complete power over (this makes me feel like I have died and went to heaven).

First, we must come up with the proper acronym: "MOM" (Moms Overtake Movies) sounds powerful and to the point; I like it. Then, the categorization of movies must be done: movies we like, movies our kids like, movies we would like our kids to like, chick flicks, and the occasional bang-bang shoot 'em up movie (to satisfy the manly mans)...seems simple enough.

Different sub-sections in each category would need to be imbedded. As in the category "movies we like", it would include if we want to take our spousal unit which is different if we were single and then would it be acceptable to take a potential love interest (excellent for testing purposes if this is "the one"), good to go to with "the girls", and discuss at the Hacienda afterward whilst having a margarita, and the "I'm not ashamed to be seen in the movie theatre by myself watching this movie" sub-section.

There should probably be another delineation that adds the proper amount of guilt if your child, in their later years ( I use this term loosely as it may be applied up to the age of 99), attempts to go to a movie you probably would not approve of. Remember, guilt is good and in the proper dosages, very effective for warding off several "evils" such as "the child" not calling home every week; dating the "right" girl (or boy) that you, as the mother, approve of; eating properly; brushing teeth; etc. How quickly I digress (nevertheless, as a Jewish mother, I feel impelled to remind you of the importance of guilt).

Finally, perhaps the symbol used in our MOM rating is a pie. There would be different fillings for each pie: passion fruit for "movies we like"; cherry for "movies our kids like"; chicken pot pie for "movies we would like our kids to like"; chocolate for "chick flicks" and apple pie for the masculine titles.

These pies will conger images of warmth, comfort, love of mother (you know, important things). Cut into four pieces, we could subtract a piece for each subcategory that is missing or add toppings if we think the movie dictates such (and a glass of milk if the show is especially filling).

Now we are talking a good way to measure a movie - I think this has some major potential or maybe I just have a little too much time on my hands.

See you at the theatre!

Cynthia A. McClelland, curious observer of the obvious with interpretations of the oddities of daily life. Mother, wife and lover of the furry, resides in the north Lake Tahoe area.

Cynthia A. McClelland © 2003-