Titillating Titles

I am trying to kick the habit.  I have “cold-turkeyed” myself off of four of the eight magazines that are sent to my house monthly, but then I suffered a dreadful setback when I purchased, spontaneously and full priced, a magazine with a headline promising “How to Stay Feminine After 50”.  Not that I am 50 (45 at my last birthday, thank you) but, I thought I could pick up a few habits that I could start using now and be ahead of the curve.  Besides, there was another headline that advised me that “Dr. Phil Knows What You Need!”  Pretty amazing since I have never met the man – or I could have been married to him in a former life and didn’t know it and now he is going to spill my beans for everyone to analyze and decipher – whatever the case, it was enough for me to want to ensure accuracy.  And, the topic that put me over the edge, “40 3-Ingredient Recipes”, had my heart palpitating – I had to have this magazine!

Quick research (www.fipp.com) resulted in finding out that in the United States, in 2000 there were 8,138 consumer magazines and 5,175 business/trade magazines available (it doesn’t say, but we will assume this is a monthly figure).  When do people find the time to search out these magazines?  Let alone take the advice that is given in these periodicals and publications of preference and pleasure to: try to cook a family feast that is $15 or under; stop stress in 1-minute fixes; get the top penny-pinching tips from Heloise; find out why J LO is calling Cris Judd; begin the 15 minutes to a better body regiment; plant the spring bulbs; try 29 cozy decorating ideas; learn about the new tax breaks and get the money I deserve; find out about Oprah’s B-Day Bash (including the stars, the dish, the amazing all-night party); learn the 7 secrets of dressing slim, and earmark the stories you want to pass on to a friend (who, by the way, is ensconced with their own deluge of pulp) while walking your way to better health.  If you are a journal junky, add on another 8,800 titles from England, 5,600 from Germany and 8,200 from China and start saying your prayers if you are ever going to make it through even the short stack.  You might want to consider moving to Bahrain, Oman or Jordan where their collective amount of magazine titles is 29 and there is some hope.

I truly have a weakness for these monthly marvels of ink and expression.  In bed, surrounded by mountains of titillating titles, lounging in my red flannel jammies, propped up with my snooglies assortment of pillows, paging through the slick leafs of fashion, faux paux, fantasy, food and frolic is a luscious and decadent way to end the day (add chocolate and you will have a most memorable moment).  I also know that one large tree can be made into approximately 1,200 National Geographic magazines (you didn’t know this column could be such a reservoir of trivia, did you?), it becomes daunting the thought of how many trees are annually taken down ultimately for our enjoyment.  So, purchase your periodicals wisely and after you pull the knowledge and tug out all needed information, please recycle – you will enjoy the experience of reading that much more and almost be able to justify the purchase of next months magazine with more hot topics you cannot live without.

Cynthia A. McClelland, curious observer of the obvious with interpretations of the oddities of daily life. Mother, wife and lover of the furry, resides in the north Lake Tahoe area.

Cynthia A. McClelland © 2003-