To Know NO

NO! N-O! NO! That feels good.  For a word with just two little letters, I have a difficult time getting my mouth around their sounds in order to articulate them appropriately and with convincing vim and vigor.  Even when my head is shaking a resounding refusal, the word “yes” somehow slips out.  I seem to have absolutely zero control when it comes to negating an affirmative.

I admire the folks who nonchalantly say “no” and go about their business.  I said “no” once, and felt so darn guilty that it took a week for me to get over it.  I have analyzed my incessant reflex for the positive and have found nothing.  I thought I could pin in on my past when I was a kid and was looking for approval.  I can’t go there – my parents actually encouraged me to say “no”…to foods I didn’t like; to scary movies I didn’t want to see; to that boy who wanted to make it to second base (and we weren’t playing anything resembling baseball).  But somehow, between then and the last twenty some years, “yes” seems to have taken precedence over “no”.

There is no rhyme or reason to what I say “yes” to.  “Yes”, for helping at my son’s school; “yes”, for baking, anytime, for any reason; “yes”, for volunteering to just about anything and everything – even if I don’t have a clue to what I said “yes” to do.  Once “yes” is uttered, the domino effect begins as I fulfill my obligation, then I am off to my next “yes” commitment (and so on).  At times I am feeling masochistic and say “yes” to more than one project at a time.  I honestly can say I enjoy doing each and every thing I have said “yes” to (well, except for that one time…) but I am finding that the older I get, the more difficult it is for me to keep up the spirit of the energizer bunny.  I am too pooped to pop and my get up and go has got up and went.

Learning to say “NO” is going to be tough.  I did say “no” to dusting, but I don’t think that really counts.  I will have to save up all my energies and go for the big “NO”, and be able to stay tough under pressure; I cannot succumb to nonexistent demands or my self-imposed guilt and must learn to accept and maybe even like saying “NO”.  Since I didn’t get to where I am overnight, it probably will take a long while for “NO” to become second nature.  I should probably start small and say a little “no” to cooking dinner, doing laundry or scrubbing toilets.  Then I could work my way up to say a bigger “NO” to more consequential things.  It may come to a shock to those who are asking me and to myself, when that first “NO” comes bellowing out, but it has to be done, and probably the sooner the better.

In the meantime, I think I will try to perfect my “no’s” by practicing in from of a mirror – just to make sure I see myself saying it – and to see how it feels, with the proper facial expression accompanying the right circumstance.  I may even give the real thing a try.  If I only get to a “maybe” and not a complete, finalized “no”, I would still consider that progress in the right direction. 

Cynthia A. McClelland, curious observer of the obvious with interpretations of the oddities of daily life.  Mother, wife and lover of the furry, resides in the north Lake Tahoe area.      

Cynthia A. McClelland © 2003-