Ode to Otto Titzling

I am writing this in desperation.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a woman, it is all I know.  But there are days when I gander at my body and seem to be disconnected at the neck.  What my mind is thinking doesn’t match the body I see in the mirror, feel in my clothing or that responds to simple requests (i.e. when I play tennis: the brain relays that I should get myself over to hit the ball, but the legs won’t move, point lost).

Aging, I am finding, is a fascinating phenomenon.  As I watch new lumps and, shall we say, rather large deposits of softness, decide to take up permanent residence, I am acutely aware that my grandmother, Hilda Frederick, had a hand in this.  Of only the best German stock, she was a woman who was built “solid” and close to the ground… I didn’t have a chance for leanness or eternal grace.  I learned a long time ago to work with what I have (and be happy about it… considering the alternative).

But the real, underlying problem, in the battle of my physique is that I can’t seem to find a bra that fits, is comfortable and is something I hungrily anticipate putting on in the morning.  There, I said it – the world knows.  I have experimented with the “pamper yourself with beautiful lingerie” lacy, frilly, “ooh la la” types; the perfunctory “sport bra” that makes me feel like I am going through the ancient ritual of wrapping my upper torso… don’t want to expose or give an inkling of what the good Lord gave me; the utilitarian, very white and seemingly faithful under-wire style (tell me again the point of these… considering in World War I when the U.S. War Industries Board delivered the corset industry a fatal blow and called upon women to stop buying corsets in 1917.  Doing so freed up some 28,000 tons of metal!); and, in my younger years (as doing this now could cause serious damage and could put out an eye from the uncontrollable freedom that results from age-impaired gravitational forces) – I tried the sans over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder approach – scary, but true… Inevitably, when I do find an unmentionable that works, and I have found a couple over the years, something happens.  An under wire pops out, a strap stretches, the new puppy finds them irresistible… and I am back to square one.

In my research (don’t you find this column informative and educational?) one finds the alleged, unpatented hero of brassieres, Otto Titzling, had foresight and intuition but no claim to undergarment fame.  My endless quest, as was Mr. Titzling’s (will his face ever appear on a postage stamp?), to hit upon the ultimate fit, I unearthed that an astonishing 80% of women wear the wrong bra size.  Not being satisfied to be another statistic made me more determined. I am not exactly modest, but the thought of going to a store to be measured by a professional bra-sizer/fitter is not my idea of fun.  I had to find the next best thing, a website with helpful hints.  There are three measurements that are necessary: the body or band size (the 32, 34, 36…), the cup size (AA, A, B, C, D, DD, etc.) and your body type style (small busted, average figure, full busted, and so on) – oh, and being pregnant also makes a difference.  And, one more thing, do you want strapless, seamless, front hooking, backless, nursing, minimizing, padded, “push-em up and put-em out there” or long-line?  Are you going for sexy, no-frills, practical or (heaven forbid) comfort?  Prefer lace or cotton?  Need straps that don’t dig in?  Soft cup or contoured?  Color?  Do you desire matching panties (which is a whole other question: thong, bikini, high-cut, bloomer)?  Decisions, decisions… no two bras are created equal.

In unison, let us repeat three times: “I am glad to be a woman”.  Unless of course you are a man, whom then I would ask for understanding, patience and rides to the mall as the endeavor for the ultimate quest of form, fit and style overtakes even the sanest of women.

Cynthia A. McClelland, curious observer of the obvious with interpretations of the oddities of daily life. Mother, wife and lover of the furry, resides in the north Lake Tahoe area.

Cynthia A. McClelland © 2003-