The Dreaded Christmas Letter

Through their words of the dreaded, yet highly heralded, Christmas letter, it appears that friends and family have each individually cornered the market on excellence and accomplishment.  Single spaced typed documents spew forth paragons of perfection and I am in awe of the achievements these folks have had over the year.  Awards, promotions, travel and adventure all spill forth in a melodic manner.  I find it difficult to believe that so much success can be had since the last installment of holiday cheer let alone be sanctimoniously summoned for the seasonal sermon.

Okay, maybe I am a bit envious.  I don’t have a perfect life and I don’t have a perfect family and I like it that way.  But, and this is a big but, it would be fun to try and put together a greeting that relives (honestly) my family’s greatest triumphs of the year.  If I were to do a correspondence commemorating my crowning glories of 2006 it would go something like this:

Dearest loved ones… and all you other folks that I feel obliged to send this to:

I hope this letter finds you thinner than last year, as I am two pants sizes smaller and feeling quite sassy and my love muffin is finding me “hot” as my good friend Paris Hilton would say.

2006 was a good to us – we were able to get out of bed each and every morning without too many aches and pains, which is a major accomplishment at our age.  The fiber we instituted into our daily diet, although rather bland and saw dust tasting, does keep things moving smoothly.  I highly recommend it for you and your disposition because if I remember correctly, you were rather cranky the last time we spoke.

Our offspring is officially a teenager – need I say more?  He smells, spews forth bodily noises, has underarm hair and his hormones are surfacing.  What a joy!  I will miss him when he goes to college in 3 short years.

After listening to my spousal unit complain for the umpteenth time of feeling he has fallen into a deep crevasse and cannot resurface, we sprung for a new mattress.  I have to give it to him, I like the new set up and it does make a difference, although I will miss pretending I am sleeping in a gulch.

I could bore you with the facts that we went to a local burrito place every Thursday this past year, religiously watched “our” shows on TIVO and overpaid more than I would like to admit for petrol, but space is limited and I don’t want to lose your interest.

From my family to yours we wish you the happiest of holidays, and if you still insist on visiting, please don’t plan on staying longer than 3 days (you know the old adage of fish smelling badly after three days – well, it goes for you, too).

In this time of holiday cheer, I realize that I am in a minority but an honest, abbreviated synopsis would be fine to get caught up.  Besides, what is the cost of mailing a letter a couple times over the year to your Christmas card list?  Or email is quite effective for that one line “hoo-ray!  Aren’t we great!” elation of exultation.

My advice, keep your information short and sweet… and keep ‘em guessing – it will always bring them back for more.  What are you waiting for?  Time to get those cards and letters out.  Happy writing.

Cynthia A. McClelland, curious observer of the obvious with interpretations of the oddities of daily life.  Mother, wife and lover of the furry, resides in the north Lake Tahoe area.

Cynthia A. McClelland © 2003-